Trains Suck
by Dreamer Boy
Summary: Beavis and Butt-Head board a train, hoping to go to Florida. However, they end up driving the train. Unfortunately, they turn out to be the worst train drivers.


**Here's my first Beavis and Butt-Head fanfiction. Because it's my first, it may not be that good. But I'll let you be the judge of that.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Beavis and Butt-Head.**

* * *

One afternoon, Beavis and Butt-Head arrived home, having just returned from the Highland Hospital.

"Damnit, Beavis," grumbled Butt-Head. "Why the hell did you drag us out to the hospital, just because you had a stupid headache? Uh huh huh huh."

"Shut up, bunghole!" snapped Beavis. "Having a headache sucks! Meh heh heh heh!"

"Hospitals suck, too! Uh huh huh huh," replied Butt-Head crossly.

The boys sat down of the sofa.

"Uh, the doctor said that the way to stop headaches," said Butt-Head, "is to, like, not watch TV. Uh huh huh huh."

"Really?" replied Beavis. "That sucks! Meh heh heh heh."

"Yeah, really. Let's watch some TV. Uh huh huh huh." Butt-Head picked up the TV remote and turned on the TV. On the screen was an advert for holidays to Florida.

"Hey, Butt-Head," said Beavis. "In Florida, isn't there like, that bunghole Mickey Mouse? Meh heh heh."

"Yeah. Uh huh huh huh! But there are some chicks, too! Uh huh huh huh."

"Whoa! Meh heh heh heh! Let's like, go there! Meh heh heh heh."

"Uh, okay. But like, how? Uh huh huh huh."

"Um, heh. We could walk. Meh heh heh heh," suggested Beavis.

"No way, dumbass! Florida's like, a long way from here! Besides, walking sucks! Uh huh huh huh."

"Oh, yeah. So like, how should we get there? Meh heh heh heh."

Beavis and Butt-Head sat on the sofa completely rigid and silent while they tried to think of ways to get to Florida. Then Butt-head came up with an idea, as an imaginary lightbulb flickered above his head. "Uh, let's like, go by train."

"Yeah! Meh heh heh heh!" agreed Beavis. "Trains are cool!"

"Yeah. Uh huh huh huh! And they're fast." added Butt-Head. "So we'll be like, there in no time or something. Uh huh huh huh."

So the boys got up and left the house. "This is gonna be cool! Uh huh huh huh," chuckled Butt-Head, as he and Beavis made their way to the Highland railway station.

* * *

They arrived at the station half an hour later. It was packed full of people bustling about. The boys spotted a passenger train coupled behind a big grey diesel engine, standing by a platform. Thinking it was going to Florida, they approached it and boarded one of the carriages.

Inside, they found two empty seats; one on the left of the carriage by a teenage girl, the other, on the right, by an old lady. Butt-Head sat by the teenage girl and chuckled. "Hey, baby. Uh huh huh huh."

The girl giggled. "Hey. You're cute."

Beavis sat by the old lady. "Meh heh heh heh! This is gonna be cool!" He said to himself.

The old lady turned to Beavis and frowned at him. She did not like him, so she picked up an umbrella that was on the carriage floor - and whacked Beavis in the face with it.

"ARRRGGGHHH!" Beavis cried out in pain. He turned to Butt-Head, who had seen everything and was laughing. "Hey, Butt-Head, will you like, swap seats with me? Meh heh heh heh."

"No way, Beavis."

"Come on, Butt-Head. I wanna sit by that chick!"

"Shut up, Beavis, or I'll kick your ass. Uh huh huh huh."

Just then, they heard they sound of a guard's whistle blowing. Then the train started to slowly pull out of the station.

"Uh huh huh huh. This is gonna be cool," Butt-Head laughed.

The train left the station and made it's way into the countryside - very slowly.

* * *

For a while, the boys didn't notice how slow the train was going. They spent some of their time sitting in their seats, doing nothing.

But soon, they realised how slow they were travelling.

"Damn it, why the hell are we going so damn slow? Uh huh huh huh," snapped Butt-Head. "This is starting to piss me off. Uh huh huh huh."

"Yeah, really! This sucks! We should be with in Florida by now!" added Beavis crossly.

Just then, the guard came up to their seats. "Tickets, please."

The girl who was sitting by Butt-Head and the old lady who was sitting by Beavis took out their tickets and gave them to the guard. But Beavis and Butt-Head just sat rigidly and silently.

Once the guard had checked the women's tickets, he gave them back to the women. Then he looked at Beavis and Butt-Head. "You boys got your tickets?"

"Uh, no. Uh huh huh huh."

"No tickets? Then I'm gonna have to throw you boys off this train."

"No way, dude! Uh huh huh huh!"

"Yeah. Meh heh heh heh! I'll kick your ass!"

Then the guard looked out of the window and noticed that the train was slowing to a stop, for it had reached a station. "Well, you boys can just get off here. I won't have you on this train without a ticket!"

* * *

Once the train had stopped and the carriage doors had opened, the guard grabbed Beavis and Butt-Head by the collars of their shirts, took them to one of the open carriage doors and pushed the boys out of the carriage and onto the platform. "And stay off!" He shouted before walking away from the door and down the carriage.

For a while, the boys just stood where they were in silence. Then Butt-Head looked around them. "Uh, this isn't Florida. Uh huh huh huh."

"Yeah, c'mon Butt-Head. Let's get back on the train. Meh heh heh heh."

"Uh, okay. But first, let's like, tell the dumbass driver that he was going too slow. Uh huh huh huh."

So the boys walked up the platform up to the big grey diesel engine. They saw the driver getting out of the cab, drinking a bottle of beer."

"Uh, hey!" called Butt-Head. "You weren't driving the train fast enough for us. Uh huh huh huh."

"Yeah, meh heh heh heh," added Beavis. "We're gonna have you fired, bunghole. Meh heh heh heh. Fire!"

"Do I care?" snapped the driver angrily. "I well hate this job! I wish I could leave right now!" He took a sip of beer, then looked at the boys though blurred vision. "Say, you boys know how to drive a train?"

The boys stood in silence.

"Well, it's not that hard," said the driver. He took a five dollar note out of his pocket and put it in Butt Head's hand. "Look, if I give you guys this money, will you drive the train and not tell anyone about me?"

"Uh, okay. Uh huh huh huh," replied Butt-Head.

With that, the driver turn away and left the pages. Butt-Head looked down at the five dollar note in his hand. "Hey, Beavis. We should drive trains more often. We could get rich doing this. Uh huh huh huh."

"Yeah. Meh heh heh heh. And we can get to Florida faster! Meh heh heh heh."

So the boys climbed into the cab of the engine. They sat in the seats inside and looked at the controls, not knowing what to do to start the train.

Beavis looked at the lever marked 'Brake'. "Cool!" He cried, as he grabbed the lever and pushed forward, releasing the brake. When he had pushed all the way, he noticed he couldn't push any further. "Damn it! Break, bunghole!" He carried on pushing forward, until eventually the lever snapped. "Meh heh heh heh! Cool!"

Butt-Head had already opened the throttle all the way, not know what he was doing was right. But since the train still didn't move forward, he was getting annoyed. "Damn it! Start, or I'll kick your ass! Uh huh huh huh."

Beavis then saw the reverser. He grabbed hold of it and pulled it back towards him. Slowly, the train started to reverse.

"Yeah, yeah!" Beavis cried. "We're moving again!"

"No, dumbass!" snapped Butt-Head. "We're like, going backwards! We'll like, end up back in Highland, not Florida! Let me do it, butt munch! Uh huh huh huh."

With that, Butt-Head grabbed the regulator and pushed it forward. The train stopped reversing and started to move forward.

"That's more like it!" said Butt-Head. "But shouldn't we be going faster? Uh huh huh huh."

* * *

His wish soon came true. As the train left the station and drove down the line, it began going much faster. The speed kept increasing until at last, the train reached maximum speed; one hundred and five miles per hour, which was too dangerous to be travelling on the main line.

Beavis and Butt-Head were satisfied. "Uh huh huh huh. This is cool!" Butt-Head laughed.

Beavis felt the cab walls. "Whoa! These walls are vibrating! Meh heh heh heh."

"Cool! Uh huh huh huh!"

The two boys laughed. They were enjoying the journey.

* * *

The passengers inside the carriages were not enjoying the journey, though. As the train speed around a corner, several of the passengers were thrown out of their seats.

The guard that had reprimanded the boys earlier came running through the rear carriage. "Don't panic everyone! I'll stop this train.

On the end of the carriage, up near the roof, was a handle marked 'Emergency Brake'. The guard walked to the end of the carriage and reached up to pull the brake. But then the carriage jumped, having rolled over a bumpy part of the line.

The guard was thrown to the carriage floor. He lay there for a few minutes before picking himself up. He reached again for the handle, when all of a sudden the train rounded a corner. The guard was thrown to the side of the carriage. His body smashed through one of the carriage windows and he fell out of the carriage and landed on the side of the line, covered in severe cuts which bled a lot. He lay still on the side of the line while the fast-moving train raced up the line.

* * *

Up ahead was a station, where several passengers were waiting for the train to arrive.

For a moment, there was only the noises of the station to be heard. Then they heard the sound of the train approaching the station.

"Oh my!" said a lady, as she looked down the line and saw the train in the distance approaching the station. "The train's early. What good service this is!"

But when the train reached the station, instead of stopped, it raced at top maximum speed through the station. As it sped through, it caused a great gust of wind which blew around the people - much to their surprise.

Even after the train sped out of the station, the gust of wind continued blowing around the surprised people. One man raised his arm and shook his fist at the train speeding off in the distance. "Maniac drivers!"

* * *

Inside the speeding engine's cab, Beavis and Butt-Head were chuckling.

"Hey, Butt-Head. Did you see those people we just past?" laughed Beavis. "They were a blur. Meh heh heh heh."

"Uh, Beavis, how the hell could you see people if they're blurs, dumbass? Uh huh huh huh."

* * *

The line continued to run through the countryside. Up ahead was a herd of sheep, which had strayed from their field and onto the line.

Inside the speeding engine, Beavis and Butt-Head could see the sheep in the distance.

"Uh, hey Beavis. Aren't we supposed to like, do something if sheep walk on the track? Uh huh huh huh."

"Um..."

The boys just sat in silence, letting the train quickly approaching the sheep. By the time the sheep noticed the train coming, it was too late. The train quickly ran over them all. The sound of meat being sliced by the wheels followed, and blood and wool flew everywhere.

Beavis and Butt-Head had seen everything from inside the engine.

"Um, heh. I think we just did it," said Beavis. "We had to run them over. Meh heh heh heh."

"Yeah. Uh huh huh huh," added Butt-Head. "That was cool."

* * *

A while later, the train quickly approached a level crossing, which had no barriers or gates. A car was heading slowing over it. The driver had no idea that the train was heading right towards him at top speed.

The car's front wheels were just crossing the tracks, when all of a sudden the train sped right at it. It hit the front of the car without stopping and sent it flying through the air. The driver screamed and hid his face with his hands and the car came falling down towards a petrol tanker that was driving along the road. The car hit the tanker and there was a crash, followed by a huge explosion.

* * *

Beavis and Butt-Head were still laughing inside the engine as the train sped on. They hadn't seen the explosion that had just erupted, but they had seen the car they had hit and thought it funny.

"This kicks ass!" stated Butt-Head. "Uh huh huh huh."

"Yeah, really," agreed Beavis. "Trains rule! Meh heh heh heh."

* * *

Ahead was a big station. People were bustling about. Another passenger train stood on the tracks, beside the platform.

They had no idea what was heading right for them...

* * *

Beavis and Butt-Head's train sped towards the station at high speed. Through the windows of the engine, the boys saw the end of the last carriage on the other passenger train in the distance, parked by the station platform, blocking the track they were travelling quickly on.

"Hey Butt-Head. If there's another train on the track, do we just keep going, like we did with those sheep and that car? Meh heh heh heh."

"Uh, I guess. Uh huh huh huh."

So the boys just sat in their seats, as the train sped into the station. All the people in the station were first surprised to see a train racing at high speed. Then all the people gasped and screamed as they watched the speeding train racing straight towards the parked one.

Beavis and Butt Head watched through the engines windows as they raced closer and closer to the parked train. For a moment, they did not flinch, as they were completely oblivious to what was about to happen. But when the speeding train was just a few inches away from impact, their eyes widened and they cried out. But it was too late...

There was a tremendous crash as the engine hit the rear carriage of the parked. The engine's front quickly became dented and metal flew everywhere. The people on the platform starting running for the station exits, but some of them were hit by the flying metal, resulting in them being either knock-out or killed instantly.

The engine, despite now being dented, still kept moving forward, crunching up the rear carriage and derailing the rest of the carriages, as well as the engine, of the parked train. The passengers inside the carriages of both trains all screamed loudly as they were thrown either to the floor, into the walls, windows or each other, severely injuring themselves.

The speeding train finally stopped running into the parked train, lying in a great wreak. The station was now all silent. Everyone who had fallen victim to the crash had fled the station.

Smoke poured out of the front of the wreaked engine. The front end was badly dented and the cab windows were smashed. The inside of the cab was full of smoke which billowed from the controls.

Beavis and Butt-Head lay on the floor. Their faces were covered in cuts which bled a lot. Beavis had a large gash on his forehead which was bleeding. He lay on the floor, losing consciousness. "Meh heh...heh heh...This sucks!" He wheezed before passing out.

Butt-Head lay on the floor, struggling to speak. He too was on the urge of passing out. Using the last of his strength, he managed to say weakly; "Uh huh...huh huh...That was cool!"

* * *

When Beavis and Butt-Head finally awoke, they found themselves lying in individual beds in a hospital ward.

"Uh, where the hell are we? Uh huh huh huh," asked Butt-Head, sitting up.

Just then, a young female doctor came up. "Ah, you boys are finally awake. Are you feeling okay?"

"Whoa!" Beavis exclaimed excitedly. He thought the doctor was very pretty. "Hey, how's it going?"

Butt-Head thought the doctor was pretty, too. "Uh, hey baby! Are we like, in Florida? Uh huh huh huh."

"No, you're nowhere near Florida."

"Damnit! We were supposed to get to Florida," sulked Butt-Head. "! Uh huh huh huh."

"Yeah," added Beavis. "We already went to a hospital, today. Meh heh heh heh."

The doctor examined them. "You're very badly wounded, but compared to other people that were involved in that train crash, you were very lucky. Several people were killed."

"Cool," remarked Butt-Head. "Uh huh huh huh."

The doctor then wheeled a TV in front of the boys' beds. Okay, I'm going now. Would you boys like to watch some TV?"

She plugged the TV into a socket on the wall and turned it on without waiting for an answer. On the screen was the same advert the boys had seen earlier that day. Beavis sat up to watch it, but then clutched his forehead, which was now bandaged. "Arrrggghhh! My head hurts! Meh heh heh heh."

"Then you'd better not watch TV then," said the doctor. She turned off the TV, unplugged it and wheeled it out of the room, leaving the boys alone.

"Damnit! This sucks!" Beavis snapped. "We'd tried to get to Florida - and now we can't even see it on TV! Meh heh heh heh."

"Yeah, really," agreed Butt-Head. "Trains suck! Uh huh huh huh."

**

* * *

**

That's the story then. I'm sorry if it's not that good. Hopefully next time I write a Beavis and Butt-Head fanfiction, it'll be better.


End file.
